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1,000 Pages of Marriage Counseling in One Paragraph!

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Ibrahim Dooba

 

– Dr Ibraheem Dooba

Recently, I was at a friend’s house. We were seated together in his living room when a young man who was about to be married came to him for counselling. My friend did such a wonderful job that I felt I had nothing to add. Still, he invited me to say something.

So I asked the guy: “between the two of you, who is more easily offended? Who is the quickest to anger?”

“I think I am. But when angry, her anger is worse than mine.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I told him.

“But before marriage, you should enter into an agreement or a contract. The agreement should say that you shouldn’t engage your partner when he or she is angry. You should be firmly united on this prenuptial agreement.”

This merits repeating:

If your husband is angry, don’t engage him. If your wife is angry, don’t engage her. Even if you’re right. Especially if you’re right!

That’s a thousand pages of marriage counselling compressed into one paragraph.

By engage I mean don’t argue. No repartee. Don’t laugh and don’t correct. Don’t pray for him or her (Allah Ya ba ka hakuri), that will only escalate the situation.

A very accomplished woman once told me that “when Maigida [her husband] is angry, I don’t say anything. I don’t even cry. After he has calmed down, then I talk to him or cry if I want to.”

When she told me this, my respect for her quadrupled.

Indeed, the only thing you can say to your partner – if your ego would allow you – is that you’re sorry. Or that they are right. But that can also be misconstrued as sarcasm, so I advise against it.

After the storm, talk to him or her about the incident.

But if you insist on “winning” the argument, that would make both of you angry. Then that would make you say things that would make you resent each other.

Then that can lead to the worst emotion of all: contempt. It’s almost impossible to recover from that.

John M. Gottman in his bestselling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” said that contempt predicts divorce more than any other emotion.

That’s why scholars and leaders of the past avoided steps that would lead to it.

Consider Umar. My father doesn’t tire of telling me this story: A man came to Umar (one of the most powerful leaders in the world at that time) to report his wife. But he heard Umar’s wife telling him off.

“This is even worse than my situation,” the man reasoned and started to walk away. Umar (RA) said that he should be called back. When the man told him why he left, Umar said “why shouldn’t I be patient with her when she takes care of my children?”

But there’s something equally compelling that scholars don’t usually point out. When the wife was telling him off, what did Umar say? Nothing!

He could have easily said: “woman, should I remind you who I am?”

And what would the wife say? She would have said more unprintable things to undermine even his leadership until Umar gets angry (he is human after all).

But he said nothing. And preserved the relationship.

So when your partner is angry, shut the heck up!

If not, one day, even if you’re still together, the relationship would’ve been dead and buried.

 

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Tribute To Late Justice Ahmad Belgore

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By AbdurRaheem Sa’ad Dembo

Death is an inevitable
visitor. When it strikes its victims it’s usually the end of an era. It was in the morning of Eid-l-Fitri, which was 10th April, 2024 I read the news of the demise of Justice Ahmad Olanrewaju Belgore, who died the previous night. He was a star in the judiciary because of his piety, consistency and fairness.

Many prominent Nigerians have sent their condolences to his family, Ilorin Emirate and Nigeria judiciary. One significant thing about late Justice was the fact that his life as a judge was filled with face of humanity.

Emir of Ilorin Alhaji (Dr) Ibrahim Sulu-Gambari and Chairman of Kwara State Traditional Rulers Council in his condolence message described the demise of Justice Belgore as a big loss to the Ilorin Emirate and the Nation at large.

According to the Emir “Belgore was one of the finest justices that the Ilorin Emirate had ever produced, who contributed in no small measures to the growth and development of the judiciary in particular and humanity in general.He prayed that Almighty Allah accept his good deeds, forgive his shortcomings and admit
him into aljannah firdaus.

The Turaki of Ilorin Emirate, Senator Saliu Mustapha has also expressed grief over the death of the legal luminary, described him as a renowned jurist who lived and served the country with his knowledge of the law as an examplary member of the bench.

Senator Mustapha while commiserating with the Nigerian Bar Association on the death of Justice Ahmad Belgore noted that the late jurist contributed immensely to the development of his community and the state in general. Recalling his years of service in the judiciary where he worked with utmost dedication and bowed out in glory last year.

The Senate Committee Chairman on Agric production and Services condoled the Belgore family, The Emir of Ilorin, Ilorin Emirate Descendants Progressive Union, the people of Balogun Fulani Constituency, Associates and friends of the deceased over the demise of illustrious son of the Ilorin Emirate.He prayed Allah to overlook Justice Belgore misdeeds and grant him eternal rest.

Meanwhile, Kwara state Governor,AbdulRahman AbdulRazaq equally expressed sadness over the death of Justice Belgore who passed on Tuesday night.The Governor sent his heartfelt condolences to the entire Ilorin Emirate, and to the Belgores who have lost a rare gem.His Excellency prayed to Allah to forgive justice Belgore of his shortcomings, and admit him to aljannah firdaus.

The Nigerian Bar Association,The Lagos Lawyers and other prominent Nigerians have also mourned the late Ilorin born jurist, but mentioning all of them may not be necessary.

It is imperative to say that late Justice Ahmad Belgore was an incorruptible judge as he retired meritoriously last year.This was aptly captured by the words of Shehu Bashir,Esq “Justice Ahmad Belgore was a jurist with decency of conscience.He journeyed the delicate profession of adjudication with distinction and came out unblemished.

He was an incredibly tolerant, calm, generous, religious and extremely patient man.His propensity to generosity would almost make you think he had more than he was giving,yet he was undoubtedly incorruptible. And he would never make public his generosity to a third party.He was such a responsible gentleman.”

According to a retired judiciary staff who craved for anonymity, disclosed that in 2015 when his benefit has not been paid,he reached out to late Justice Ahmad Belgore and he gave him 120,000 naira as at that time.

Significantly,the late Justice has been described by many as an embodiment of humility, generosity and accessibility. In the words of Pharm Munirat Bello “He was a great icon of peace and beacon of hope to the less privileged, reliably a dependable pillar of support. His act of kindness could be likened to the scent of the natural musk, very calming yet so impactful. No life hardly gets in contact with him and fail to progress. He was gifted with a divine heart of generosity. An upright jurist to the core, an impeccable symbol of Islam. I have never for once seen him angry to the point of passing derogatory words, he could be stern but in a loving way”

Sheikh Saidu Ibrahim Maimasa is a close associate of late Justice Ahmad Belgore and he is also the Public Relations Officer of Markaz, recounted how helpful he was to him and other friends.He said describing his magnanimity and generosity would be inexhaustible.

He cited a case of a person whose house was forcefully taken and he approached Late Justice for possible redress at the Court of law.He explained that the justice told the man not to go to court, because there was no point going to court and win, and thereafter he lost his life.He later ensured that another house was erected for the man from his personal purse.

Furthermore,A family source disclosed that anything that has to do with Belgore’s family, the late Justice Ahmad Belgore was always at the forefront.Meaning he had imbibed the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) in uniting the family.

In unraveling his unwavering support for the less privileged, a young man was said to have gone to his GRA residence and appealed to him that he wanted to go to school but he had no sponsor.The late Justice embraced him and sponsored his education throughout.

Parts of the traits of great men are humility and accessibility. If you are the type that cannot render help to people until an influential person in the society recommends them, then you may be far from circle of great men.Your door should be open for help , that is when you would be able to identify those whole truly need succour .

Justice Ahmad Belgore was never a religious bigot,According to Sheikh Saidu Ibrahim Maimasa “He had an open door policy, because he was very accessible.His security orderly was a Christian from Oyo State and he did not only sponsored his wedding but he was also there in person.He did not discriminate”

He was born on April 18,1953, Belgore studied Law at the prestigious Ahmadu Bello university (ABU),Zaria, where he bagged LL.B (Hons.) with specialisation in Islamic Law 1975 to 1978.He attended the Nigerian Law School, Victoria Island,Lagos between 1978/1979 session.

He was the presiding Justice of the Ilorin Division of the Court of Appeal before his retirement in April,2023.He was also former Chief Justice of the Gambia.Justice Ahmad was younger brother to former Chief Justice of Nigeria (CJN) Alfa Belgore.

There is no doubt about the fact that late Justice Ahmad Belgore had lived a life worthy of emulation.He was a regular reciter of holy Quran and a great scholar in his own class.He was the president of Darul-Uloom Alumni Association.

Perfection, they say, belongs to God. I pray Allah forgive his shortcomings and grant him aljannah firdaus.

abdurraheemsaaddembo@gmail.com

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A Tribute to Barrister Sulaiman Ahmed Assayouty

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Late Barrister Suleiman Ahmad Assayouty

 

By AbdurRaheem Sa’ad Dembo

Death is a reminder that this world is fleeting and interim. It has yet corroborated the assertion that we are strangers on this planet called, earth just as Barrister Assayouty has left us unannounced through the inevitable shackles of death

I was shocked because he was a brother that I knew very well as an undergraduate in Bayero University, Kano.He wasn’t a regular student as he was preoccupied with hustling in photography business.He usually stationed at the old site of Bayero University Kano where he carried out his business activities

I was at the new site and we had our regular photographer in person of Hope Photo there but whenever we were at the old site we patronised him.In fact his business point was a regular station for Ilorin Emirate students and other customers whenever they did not have lectures.

Since I left the University I have not heard or seeing him until the day he graduated from Law School and the same was posted on the BUK Alumni WhatsApp Group, Ilorin Emirate chapter.I knew within me that day that he struggled to attain the feat and I rejoiced with him through my comments.

We were all in BUK but Assayouty was an hustler and we patronized him not just because he was one of us but he’s very humble. He had a dream and he pursued it with tenacity, hardwork and prayers so he became a certified lawyer eventually. I was not even aware that he later had a Sayuti Cafe on campus,i got to know through BUK Chat zone on Facebook; an online medium for BUK students and others. I’m sure it was after we have left the school he operated the cafe business

From the Account of my friends and brothers that are resident in Kano, they said he was going to a Police Station in Tofa with his wife and his child yesterday 8th April,2024 before they had an accident that claimed his life and injured his wife and his child who are still in the hospital. I pray to Allah for their speedy recovery.

When a promising young man died it is usually tremendously painful because a dream has been shattered and retrogressed.The demise of Assayouty was one too many as it reinvigorated and rejuvenated the futility of this world.He laboured so hard to become a lawyer. He was studying Law in pari passu with hustling. How great would it have been if He had lived long to enjoy the fruit of his struggle?

According to Mallam Zakariya Bayero “we were staying in an uncompleted building together in 1998, he was running a diploma programme then”.

Barrister Yakubu Abdullahi reacted to my Facebook post about his demise thus “May Allah admit him to Jannat, his death is shocking, I know him as a struggling lawyer, despite his commitment to law practice,he has other struggles he did around Janguza axis. May Allah forgive his shortcomings”.

In Quran 62 Verse 8, Allah says “Say, indeed, the death from which you flee.Indeed it will meet you”. Today it has met our brother but our solace is that Barrister Sulaiman Assayouty died as a Muslim in the holy month of Ramadan, he never tarnished the image of his family and lived a dignified life.May Allah grant him aljannah firdaus and give his immediate family, the Ilorin Emirate BUK Alumni and friends the fortitude to bear the huge loss.

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Kano Water Scarcity: How Long is Governor Abba’s ‘State of Emergency’?

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_By Misbahu El-Hamza_

Kano State makes headlines almost every year, and coincidentally, during Ramadan for water scarcity. The frequent headlines are often attributed to electricity system failures, which disrupt water pumping, or equipment faults at water treatment plants, exacerbating the situation.

About ten months ago, upon taking office, Kano State Governor Alhaji Abba Kabir Yusuf declared a State of Emergency to address water scarcity across the state, urging for patience and maximum cooperation from residents. Although I haven’t seen or reviewed the governor’s plan during this emergency, I recall that resolving Kano’s water issues was one of his campaign promises.

I remember when the governor inspected the Challawa Water Treatment Plant in May 2023 and expressed dissatisfaction with its condition. It was said that only two of the six pumping machines of the facility were functioning at the time.

Following that, the governor give a one-week ultimatum to the Kano State Water Board to submit its demands in order to end the water shortage in the state. There was a sigh of relief by the public. Personally, I had hoped that we’re finally getting over this hardship.

Unfortunately, nearly a year now, the situation is not only prevalent in urban areas but is even worse in rural communities. We are not only seeing those trending headlines of water scarcity in Kano, we’re experiencing the brunt of it.

Recently, the price of a 25-liter jerrican of borehole water in Kano surged by ₦50 to ₦150. Someone told me that he bought one at ₦200 around Kurmi market. In areas like Hotoro, Nassarawa LGA, where I reside near Kumbotso LGA housing the Challawa water plant, prices rose from ₦40 to ₦70 or higher. The Chalawa water plant is believed to have the capacity of supply the whole of Kano with water, but we rely heavily on individual boreholes for water, with little to no infrastructure connecting us to the water plant.

While I resides in a suburb and can afford buying a jerrican of what seems to be clean water, in the rural areas where I often visit for work, the situation is dire. Many communities lack access to clean water sources, with broken or dried-up boreholes and wells being common. Residents, including young children, often resort to fetching water from stagnant ponds shared with cows, donkeys, camels, and even dogs. This water is what they use for all daily activities, posing serious health risks. It’s evident that both state and local governments have neglected these communities, offering little to no solutions for their water woes. Where you see boreholes or wells in these communities, they are either constructed by individual donors or (charity) organizations and a handful ones by politicians.

Governor Alhaji Abba Kabir Yusuf must be aware of the current water crisis in both rural and urban Kano. However, the pressing question remains: how long will his State of Emergency address the suffering caused by the persistent water scarcity or total lack of it across the state?

Three days ago, I heard a jingle apologizing for the water scarcity in Kano metropolitant, blaming the repair works at Challawa and Tamburawa treatment plants. It’s said to have been sponsored by Kano State Water Board. To me, the jingle suggests the governor partly fulfilled his pledge, now it’s the board’s turn to restore water supply. Or at least that’s my assumption.

I know this isn’t the first time the the board apologises. In 2022, the then Managing Director of the board was quoted apologizing to Kano residents for failing to supply water during Ramadan. At that time, 25-liters jerrican of borehole water cost between ₦30 – ₦100.

I remain hopeful that before his remaining three years expire, Alhaji Abba Kabir Yusuf will emerge as Kano’s hero by addressing the water scarcity issue, providing relief to the growing population, including those in rural areas.

As the governor continues to address our water problem within this emergency period, I hope the demands the water board submitted to him as requested include: establishing new plants and resaviors or enhancing existing ones, extending mainline pipes to suburbs and rural areas, ensuring independent power supply for the plants, and securing permanent employment for existing and additional staff. If the board manages its expenses independently, perhaps shifting it to the state payroll would improve also efficiency.

With reliable service and effective system in place, the board and the state government should be rest assured that Kano people will be more willing to pay for water, and the board does not need to heavily depend for its revenue from the industries it diverts our little water to.

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