Ibraheem Dooba, PhD
The 20th Century psychology tells us that adulthood is shown by five markers: graduate from school, get a job, move out of your parents’ home, marry and have children.
Julie Lythcott-Haims, the author of “Your Turn: How To Be An Adult,” says that this is not always the case, especially in this our modern world.
She describes adulthood simply as “to fend for yourself.”
If this definition holds, then you can be an adult before achieving the five indicators above and conversely, you can still be a child many years after you have achieved the five markers.
For Julie Lythcott-Haims, it was when all her possessions burned down to a crisp that she heard the call to adulthood. By then, she was already married and had a well-paying corporate job.
But it was this fire incident that happened while she was moving to another house with her husband that changed everything. The vehicle that was transporting all her worldly possessions caught fire and burned to ashes.
She looked around for an adult to help and found herself. At that moment, she realized that only she can truly help herself.
Nobody appointed Garo as Patron of Kano North Forum – Engr Mustapha Kabo
The trick is to get our children to learn how to fend for themselves very quickly.
How do you do that?
The first step is to understand and internalize one of the most instructive verses of Fatiha: “You alone we worship and You alone we ask for help.”
Teach your children that only Allah can give them sustainably due to three reasons:
1. Their caregivers, parents and benefactors wouldn’t live forever.
2. Humans get tired of being asked – only God doesn’t. Even your closest relatives can get turned off by constant requests.
3. People can disappoint you. They may promise something. You may depend on them for something but when the time comes to deliver, they may fail you even if they are well-intentioned.
After teaching them to depend on God only, then tell them to stack skills. Once they master one skill, they should learn another; until they can walk through life with confidence. Knowing that if they lose one job, they will get a better job.
In doing that they must learn how to do difficult things that would pay dividends for decades. The following are a few difficult skills that would reward you for life:
– Writing
– Public speaking
– Negotiation
Here’s what Warren Buffet said about public speaking: “It is not easy. But you must learn to speak up [because] it will pay dividends for 50 to 60 years.”
Mr Buffet should know. Learning public speaking – by his own admission – was one of the essential tools that helped him in his business. Also, remember that he is a billionaire.
Public speaking is all about preparation. To learn the fastest way to prepare, read my book, “Impromptu Speaking Genius: 10 Structures to Moving the Crowd and Speaking Without Fear”
In sum, teach your children how to be adults by teaching them how to fend for themselves. To achieve this, they should rely on two pillars. Only ask and depend on Allah alone and finally prepare for the future by skill-stacking. This will ensure a smooth transition to adulthood.
For in-depth methods on skill-stacking including negotiation skills, read Ibraheem Dooba’s book “Remarkable: 4 Principles That Make You Stand Out Instantly”
Postcript:
These are excerpts from Ibraheem Dooba’s book “Tell, Don’t Yell: The Teaching Mindset That Turns Rebellious Teens and Screaming Adults into Best Friends”
#TellDon’tYell
